Inbox: penancerp

[stardustdaozhang]

You have reached Xiao Xingchen. Let me help.

Comments

action

[distantbittersnow]

Sometime during the evening, Zichen wants to look his best. Working many hotel jobs, he is dingy and dirty at the end of the day, but the rewards are worth it. He cleans himself and wash thoroughly, wears light cologne, and tidied up his hair. He has many thoughts on his mind but he also wanted to bring gifts, considering the season. He set his intention and then goes to look for Xingchen.

"Xingchen." He made his voice clear as he found him. Zichen is slow with his feelings, but everyday, he made his presence in his life known.

Once he finds him, he pulls him close to wrap him in his arms for a hug as he murmurs his name softly. Hugs don't come often before, but gradually it becomes frequent and they do now. "Xingchen. I brought you gifts." He smiles, hoping he'll be pleased, and he wants to please him. His voice soft and sweet, flirtatious, a side of him Xingchen never thought was there before, but is becoming itself known to him only. "But only you can open them in your room if there's no one in there."

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen does not idle his day away, either. Often, he helps out in the kitchen, and also minding the animals that need care is easy for him because spiritual energy tends to help set them at ease for proper care.

But then the day winds up, and he looks forward to his dear friend's presence - it has become a daily routine, and Xingchen very much appreciates it.

When the beloved voice sings in his ears, when those solid arms wrap around him, Xingchen melts into the embrace, a soft smile easing his face.

"Zichen." Holding back, just as tight. "You are the best gift of all. But if you say so."

Beat.

"... does that mean even if you are not there? I thought you might want to see for yourself what it is like when I open them..."

[distantbittersnow]

He's too good for this place. He always cares for everyone else and especially the animals, while this place cares little and none for him, hard work goes unacknowledged. He waters and nurtures him daily with his affections, words and physical touch, to make his soul grow stronger with his love, keeping it steady. Despite that his inner desires have been raging hot and he kept it under self-restraint and control, reigning in.

Suddenly feeling shy as his hold on him last longer than necessary. He's pretty sure he isn't possessed or under any influence. He wants to be sure it's coming from him. He nuzzles on his shoulder and hair, inhaling his scent.

"I meant, let's go to your room so we can open it together. Preferably with your roommates out for the day." Or night? It's hard to tell the time in this place.

He slowly loosens his arms and takes his hand to tug him along, breaking him from his work. "You'll like the gift. Since you can't see and we'll open together. Follow me."

[stardustdaozhang]

"Ah." Xingchen's smile lingers, and his hand moves to cup the back of Zichen's head as he nuzzles. It feels so good. It does feel nurturing and sweet and lovely, and Xingchen isn't sure he deserves it, still, but oh, it's so good. And freely given, and Xingchen has not the heart to stop it.

"Master Elcin should be in the clinic, and maiden Blue in the library, and maiden Pamela might be in the rooms, but she might not - we will need to check."

So, mostly, the coast should be clear. And yes, he is following.

After a few steps, Xingchen's mind catches up, and his eyebrows jump above the blindfold.

"Out for the day? How many presents did you bring me, Zichen?"

[distantbittersnow]

Old feelings of love and affection from their youth begin to spark and stir in a wonderful light, and it's growing stronger by the day if they can count days in this place. Is this what being in love feels like? Part of him wants him, desires him with every part of his being, and there's no doubt that he is his true love, his soulmate, his Fated one, the One he'll take back home, or to wherever they go once this realm decides to release them to another time, place, and eternity.

But there is one obstacle that is sitting like a weight in his chest. That he also hold back and feels much guilty for, and he must release and be truthful.

"A whole day with you. You'll soon find out, but first. We need to talk and it's important." He's going to lead back to the hotel, through the lobby, and back to his room. He just needs to set the mood, but part of him feels it's going to be ruined as well.

Once they're in Xingchen's room, empty of roommates, door locked for privacy and suddenly his heart grew heavy with guilt and sin if one could call it.

"Xingchen I need to confess something to you. It's your other Self, your twin. Have you seen him? He's the version from Xue Yang's world."

[stardustdaozhang]

This starts well, but by the time the door is locked, the only comforting part of this is that the door is locked - there is something ominous about Zichen, and the locked door means he doesn't intend to leave. So Xingchen doesn't know what to expect. Only that it is getting Zichen ... worried? Uncomfortable? Something that is not good.

When the words do come, he tilts his head. "I have not seen him, but we did meet, when he first arrived. I tried to let him know a little bit what to expect, about the hotel and this place overall. It can be confusing enough, I am sure, with all the senses intact."

[distantbittersnow]

"Ah, right...of course. Matter of expression. I'm sorry..." He mumbled, realizing that his dearest friend and lover, hopefully if the latter will remain after this, is blind. "So you two had met formally.

"Please sit." He gently nudges him and guides him to sit on his bed, where they once they sit and he faces him, trying to collect his thoughts, feeling a little nervous as he starts to confess, hands tremble, and feeling guilt, eyes downcast as he clutches his long sleeves.

"It happened about over a week ago when we met. I found him wandering blindly into the club. You know, the one where people go to...fool around behind close doors or be punished in such a shameless way." He thickly swallows. "He was badly poisoned. Not as bad as I am, but..."

He was flushing now, but more so from his own shame and embarrassment. "I was able to help him neutralized the poisons. For me, it started to wane once I'm away from it. But during that time, the poison made me want to desire him as much as I want to desire you. Nothing happened between us and it took us a while to come to our senses."

[stardustdaozhang]

It is a matter of expression, but also... Xingchen murmurs, oh so softly, "does he look a lot like me?"

But then he shakes his head. It doesn't matter, does it? The pang of pain, the ice cold water down his spine - that this less broken version of him, that the version of him who hasn't dealt the final blow to Zichen, will be a better choice - it doesn't matter.

That Zichen is upset? That does matter.

Xingchen reaches to place a hand over Zichen's sleeve. massaging gently the tense muscle beneath it.

"I believe... that what the poison wanted you to do, you did not do. But if 'nothing' happened, then you wouldn't be upset by it.

"Please do not be. Whatever... whatever else may be, I do not own you. Your choices on what to do and what not do, I will not try to make them for you. I will not try to take them from you." Xingchen has not controlled the fierce corpse that Zichen became after Xingchen took his life, but those choices were still taken away from him.

"Whatever you did, it was yours to do. I will not think less of you for it."

He means every word.

And at the same time, some of them grate, almost hurt. Xingchen does not understand it, himself, so he pushes it down. This is about Zichen. He will do everything write by Zichen, this time.

[distantbittersnow]

"Does he look like you? Yes, yes he does. He has long black hair, wears a blind fold around his head, he's soft spoken, and he wears all white robes. And he's gentle, very gentle." Not mention fair skin, tall, and has an aura like the soft glow and beauty of the moon.

Zichen looks at his gesture when he blindly reaches out to him, listening to him, and his tension eases up a bit. While he felt relieved he told him the truth. He fears punishment, but hearing his words, it also pains him too.

"It still not fair to you. That this place makes us feel what we shouldn't. And for what I feel for you, and what I feel for him is...quite different and not the same. The guilt, the sacrifice you made for me, it's only for me. You made the sacrifice for me, and because of that, that's how we're connected, and I felt that in my soul.."

He can feel his frustration to his words. This time, he must ingrained into him that his words, feelings, and choices does matter to him.

Speaking truthfully, "I am worried for him as a friend. I don't trust Xue Yang at times to be entrusted with him or you when things in this place gets very dark. Even though he is your twin in a sense, he haven't suffered what you gone through. It won't be fair, because I wonder if whatever happen to him will also happen to you if there's a connection."

He thins his lips, chewing slightly, remembering the phantom pain of his jaw and how much bleed. "I don't have a solution to protect him other than to make sure he doesn't break from the stress of this place if he desperately needs hope and light. I don't want him to feel cut off because to me, Xue Yang isn't any of those."

Then more softly, sadness, "When I was Xue Yang's puppet, he wouldn't let me near your coffin. I stood by and he tormented me like a ragdoll for years. It was the worst suffering in the world that I wasn't able to do anything. I was sitting by your side like a zombie and I want nothing more than to make him feel the same, if not ten times more for his sins."

He closes his eyes and then, reaching over, he pulls him into an embrace to place his chin on his shoulder. "But I don't care about that. What I do care about is you and...him and how this place will hurt us all against our will. So...in the future, if I do anything to make you hate me, then you don't have to forgive me, but I promise you if I do anything displeasing, then I will tell always you the truth. I swear it."

[stardustdaozhang]

"Zichen..." Xingchen's arms wrap around the man embracing him, and he settles in that hold, hugging back tightly in turn. "I could never hate you. I would never hate you."

That much, he knows.

"It is you hating me that I fear. You lost your home, those you loved, because of me. Then you lost your tongue because of me, and your life, by my hand. And even after that, you could not find peace, tortured with me. Where does it end... how do I even begin to make up for it all?"

He breathes in, shakily, but then he takes another breath, trying to calm own, and nods. "I would never consider hiding or lying either. I would want to hear the truth, too.

"And - I worry as well for him. The other me. I know how knowing things shattered me. I know it may shatter him, too. Even worse at Xue Yang's hands, but... Knowing that you, a you, don't hate him - that will give him strength. And we can protect him and take care of him together, no? You need not carry any of it on your own, we can carry it together. As we... as we once meant to."

A sect of their own, they dreamed. Based on people holding the same beliefs, not blood. Carrying a corner of the world that nobody seemed to care about on their shoulders. Side by side.

confession time

[distantbittersnow]

After what happened in the dining room, he becomes himself and he becomes somber, he felt guilt in his mind and his body. It's inconvenient that they live in separate quarters so he has to go to his room, but perhaps he doesn't deserve him in the long-run after what happened.

With a knock on the door, "Xingchen? Are you there? I need to see you." And talk. Feeling nervous, he waits.

gosh

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen has been helping at Elcin's clinic, but today is bad enough that he feels envious of people for being able to see, and that is...

He cannot accept himself like this. So he has returned to his room to hide meditate and attempt to find some balance. He should be able to control this. He did not complete his training enough to come down a mountain at seventeen because he was weak or could not balance his spiritual energy, clear his meridians. He. He has to do better.

Then Zichen's voice comes and something in Xingchen's chest relaxes a little, his voice clear and more or less calm.

"Come in. The door is not locked."

He is settled for meditation near the middle of the small room, his minion curled in a mostly closed cupboard it likes for naps. He usually lets it wander while he is in the room, but the little snowmen pose danger, so he is keeping it close.

[distantbittersnow]

On the other end, Song Lan felt terribly weak in this place, but there's no one to blame but himself. He could never blame the other. His mind wasn't strong enough, even though his stubbornness and will helped. But his wanting to do better and practice self-restraint has eroded.

He opened the door, came in and he sees him meditating alone. It's a practice to keep their spiritual cores and their self-control of the mind healthy. He kept his distance as he sat, taking a deep breath and collect himself.

With much guilt in his heart, emotions heavy, however, his intention is to be straightforward as much as possible, "Remember I told you that whatever happens, I will tell you the truth? Especially in a place like this?"

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen lets the words sink in for a moment, then he unfolds to his feet, lips parting as he reaches towards the other man, gently just in case.

"Are you hurt, A-Lan?"

[distantbittersnow]

Does he truly deserve to be in his arms again? He wanted to reach for him, but first, the truth. So he remains stubbornly where he sat.

"No, but." He tightens his lips as he slowly draws in a deep breath. "Xingchen, do you know that sometimes they force people to partake in certain activities?" A pause. "Not torture..." His voice is soft, tinged with fear because he isn't tortured yet, but someday it will happen. "But, making you feel things like being possessed and wanting what you shouldn't have."

He rubs the back of his neck. Until finally, he draws out a breath and released what bothered him. "Xingchen, a few days ago. I partake in those activities...intimate activities with your twin."

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen's extended hand reaches to hold the opposite arm where he cut himself, not that long ago, at the word possessed, but then his mind catches on to the fact that this is not what Zichen means, and he freezes.

Normally... normally Xingchen would cross the distance between them. Reach for him properly. Ask if he is all right, if they both are.

But the envy that he was barely holding in check uncoils in his gut and constricts his throat as he freezes.

Of course... of course Zichen will want the better version. The one who has not taken his life. The one who couldn't take his actual life, as it is a different world that he comes from.

Of course Zichen deserves the better version.

"Ah." He finds his voice, a little hollow. "That is why you have not returned to me." Not at nights. He tries to swallow the question down, to let Zichen find his own words, but there is so much to keep down. Anger and jealousy and, beneath them, pain. "And do you? Do you want him?"

Shouldn't want isn't the same as doesn't want.

[distantbittersnow]

There was a heavy silence, and this is an awkward moment. He hurt him yes, made him angry, but it wasn't his intention. The words he said stung worst like he's been whipped.

"It's only for a few hours. He was drugged and the demons left him there for anyone else to take advantage of and he was in the dark. I have to rescue him before anyone else does. It took me long to figure out what happened after, so after a few days, and then once I'm sober and he is all right, I have to tell you trying to figure out the right words to say."

Keeping his tone even, "He means a lot to me as much as you. Xingchen, they can take anyone advantage under influence. We were trapped in that room, and they wouldn't let us out. But I want to make sure he is willing and he knows it's me. I have to protect him until I escort him out and they let us leave."

But to answer the question, "I want him but only if he is consenting. But you're the one I wanted to be with and go home. He knows I belong to you."

[stardustdaozhang]

He means a lot to me, as much as you. Xingchen flinches at the words, staggers a step back, then he digs his fingers into his own palms, to focus on something real and remain standing.

Of course... of course.

That - other time, in this very room. When Zichen asked him to marry him - Xingchen thought... Xingchen thought it meant - it meant that he is the most important person to Zichen.

When will I stop being so naive? He breathes in slowly, carefully. He can't weep now, staining the blindfold dark. Will I ever learn...

He must be strong.

It takes long moments before he finds enough air in his chest to manage words, and they are slow, careful. Truthful, because while he may conceal, he would not lie knowingly.

"It is a good thing to protect him and-- and take care of him. He is... still innocent. He deserves ... to be safe. To not be - taken advantage of." He means every word. His head is spinning, and it's like he's hearing a stranger say them, but he means them.

[distantbittersnow]

Seeing he's digging his fingers into his hands, he realized he's punishing himself and hurting himself, feeling unworthy of himself and his self-hatred. He could take the cowardly way with his tail between his legs, but he decides to take responsibly for the damage he has done.

Being brave, he managed to come closer and wraps his arms around him, and if he feels like lashing at him, then he will take it. If only.

"I know. I'm disgusting. I'm sorry, Xingchen. It's not good for you. I need to take care of you too. You deserve better. I know it's not fair for you. I will not leave you though. Never. My love for you haven't diminished. I don't have a solution for the both of you, but I won't leave you."

let him live here

[distantbittersnow]

It's bitterly cold everywhere while it's snowing outside. The crippling loneliness of this place gnaws at him and it's hard to bear on his own. There's a gentle knock on the door. "Xingchen, it's me. I'm here"

He didn't come empty-handed. He brings a gift basket of flowers, fruits, and chocolate. As he stands there waiting for the door opens, he truly felt he doesn't deserve him, this graceful man. He swallows nervously.

"Xingchen, I want to stay with you..." His voice trails off. What he meant to say is all day, all night, everyday. The gnawing he felt inside, Xingchen occupying his thoughts, his everything, and he wanted to tell him.

of course, and always.

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen had been trying to weather the cold the way that he did everything. Quietly, with a hint of a smile on his lips and a gentle word for everyone. He was trying to help his roommate with her plants when he could, too, as they were far more susceptible to the cold. So he has been busy even when in the suite he was assigned. Doing his best to ... not think about things that hurt.

It's for the better, when he doesn't.

But he has still missed Zichen every moment they are apart, bitterly and helplessly, so when the knock comes, he slips to the door immediately and without hesitation.

He lets him in, and reaches to find the back of a hand with his own as soon as the door is closed.

"Yes." It takes a moment for him to process the request, but once he has, he nods without hesitation, his answer soft but clear. Then his fingers rubbed the chilled palm.

"Come, sit with me. Let us share some spiritual energy, and as much touch as you are comfortable with, so y-- so we can warm up a little. Does this suit?"

Yay!

[distantbittersnow]

Zichen realized he probably made a mistake. Though he's confused over his own moral compass under the hotel's influence, mind and emotions clouded, and he tries to find a direction, a purpose, a path to heal. Xingchen isn't the only one to bear his hurt alone. It's a shared burden.

He wants to spend his time with him as much as he could. He misses him terribly and will do anything to be in the presence of his friend's grace and kindness. First, words. It's difficult as he needs to form them.

"Mm, sit beside you. It suits." When he reaches for his hand, he's holding his hands back, seeking his warmth, that only he can give. He sits next to him.

"It's the seasons of giving, Xingchen. I brought you a gift. It's tea, a box of chocolates...ah but my gift to you is fresh flowers." Not easy to obtain since he has to work with an overbearing demonic supervisor, but for Xingchen, it's worth earning.

He opens up Xingchen's hands and places a bouquet of flowers in them. "Flowers for you, Xingchen. I think the flower types are called red roses."

Not on his birthday, obv. (action)

[mysophobe]

Zichen's been a bit morose of late. Though he hasn't mentioned anything specific, it's in the air around him, easily detectible by someone who knows him well. Rather than waiting for Xingchen to inquire, he deicdes to bring it up on his own.

"Xingchen, have you... lost many people who were here?"

of course

[stardustdaozhang]

Xingchen has noticed, and he thinks he has some idea about who it may have caused it specifically - he suspects he should have a chance to talk with his other self, as well, about it - but letting Zichen decide when and how to talk about thigs is better than trying to prod him into it.

When the question comes, he tilts his head slightly. Considers.

Then lets out a soft breath.

"A few who came to mean something to me here." And Zichen, twice. But he doesn't need to repeat that. "Not... many, but at the same time, it feels like too many. But they... are hopefully in a place better for them."

<3

[mysophobe]

He can't imagine it gets easier. This is the first friend he made in this place (outside of knowing Xingchen). Zichen has never made friends easily, it wasn't his nature to be easy to talk with or very approachable.

"My friend Henry has gone." Friend might be a little bit of an understatement, but true nonetheless. Whatever else Henry may have been to Song Lan, he was a friend first.