stardustdaozhang | Inbox: penancerp

"There is nothing disgusting about you... A-Lan." So quiet, but without hesitation. Xingchen leans into that hold. He feels... empty, and the warmth is welcome. "You did what you needed to do. You want who you want. Is it not right to want who hasn't hurt you?"

A friend, Zichen has said. A part of Xingchen is roaring, wanting for bad things to happen to his other self, and he flinches away from it, horrified. It comes back with shouting that Zichen is his, and. Xingchen curls a little against the solid chest, all his words dissolving into a quiet, "no-no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." For what he did. For what he wished just now. For not being enough. For not being able to protect those Zichen cared about, for not being able to protect Zichen, for not being able to protect his his other self. He's sorry. He's sorry.

He simply listens to him and let him lashed out, taking his hurt. He rocks him back and forth gently, trying to shush him and calm in a gentle voice, not letting go of him. He knew what he did is wrong, but at the same time, there is no other way. They shared a past, a history together and nothing is going to change that, a bond like that cannot be broken.

"I have no excuse for what I did. I won't deny it. But you're the one that I want." He said quietly. "Always have, always been. I was weak and selfish." He only hugs him tighter, squeezing all the sadness and hurt out of him if he could for each sorry he's saying inside, not able to voice it out loud, Zichen heard it.

"I'm here with you now. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to apologize. I'm here to stay with you. Always." There's a true sincerity in his promises, even though he has broken some of it, he seeks to mend it to save their relationship.

Taking a deep breath, "I broken your trust and I'm sorry."

Xingchen shakes his head. That Zichen rescued Xngchen's younger self, that is not something that upsets him. Not the making love, either, though it makes him right now want to wrap around Zichen and not let him out of his touch ever again.

It's... something else entirely. The echo of we need not meet ever again. The knowledge that he doesn't have to ask why someone Zichen has only known for weeks matters as much to Zichen as Xingchen - he knows. And the envy is tearing him apart. Because all the reassurance in the world doesn't change the fact that Zichen wants and holds dear the other him, too. That Xingchen will never matter as uniquely above everyone as Zichen does for him. That it is right for things to be so.

"There is nothing ... that you have done wrong." Xingchen is trying to not shake, but it doesn't work as well as he wishes. "I'm - glad that you're here. This - something is happening that makes it harder for me to control ... what I feel and think. But you - you didn't do wrong to help him. Nor will it be wrong."

And trust...

He really doesn't work like this. His trust in Song Zichen is the absolute. Everything else rearranges itself according to it - and if it hurts, then the fault must be with Xingchen.

The guilt lingers. There is a long measure of silence. He holds him as long as he need to, as long as he wants him, not letting him go, rubbing his back to give him solace as he trembles and shakes, stroking his hair, and reassuring that he truly wanted him. He's doing whatever he can to comfort him.

"Let me make it up to you. Come to the bed, and I'll make you some tea for your nerves. Then we can do whatever you want. I am yours, I belong to you."

Even so, he has to heal what was broken inside, for him to process, and he hopes he does this holding him, and firmly staying with him.

Inbox: penancerp

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