stardustdaozhang | Inbox: penancerp

Does he truly deserve to be in his arms again? He wanted to reach for him, but first, the truth. So he remains stubbornly where he sat.

"No, but." He tightens his lips as he slowly draws in a deep breath. "Xingchen, do you know that sometimes they force people to partake in certain activities?" A pause. "Not torture..." His voice is soft, tinged with fear because he isn't tortured yet, but someday it will happen. "But, making you feel things like being possessed and wanting what you shouldn't have."

He rubs the back of his neck. Until finally, he draws out a breath and released what bothered him. "Xingchen, a few days ago. I partake in those activities...intimate activities with your twin."

Xingchen's extended hand reaches to hold the opposite arm where he cut himself, not that long ago, at the word possessed, but then his mind catches on to the fact that this is not what Zichen means, and he freezes.

Normally... normally Xingchen would cross the distance between them. Reach for him properly. Ask if he is all right, if they both are.

But the envy that he was barely holding in check uncoils in his gut and constricts his throat as he freezes.

Of course... of course Zichen will want the better version. The one who has not taken his life. The one who couldn't take his actual life, as it is a different world that he comes from.

Of course Zichen deserves the better version.

"Ah." He finds his voice, a little hollow. "That is why you have not returned to me." Not at nights. He tries to swallow the question down, to let Zichen find his own words, but there is so much to keep down. Anger and jealousy and, beneath them, pain. "And do you? Do you want him?"

Shouldn't want isn't the same as doesn't want.

There was a heavy silence, and this is an awkward moment. He hurt him yes, made him angry, but it wasn't his intention. The words he said stung worst like he's been whipped.

"It's only for a few hours. He was drugged and the demons left him there for anyone else to take advantage of and he was in the dark. I have to rescue him before anyone else does. It took me long to figure out what happened after, so after a few days, and then once I'm sober and he is all right, I have to tell you trying to figure out the right words to say."

Keeping his tone even, "He means a lot to me as much as you. Xingchen, they can take anyone advantage under influence. We were trapped in that room, and they wouldn't let us out. But I want to make sure he is willing and he knows it's me. I have to protect him until I escort him out and they let us leave."

But to answer the question, "I want him but only if he is consenting. But you're the one I wanted to be with and go home. He knows I belong to you."

He means a lot to me, as much as you. Xingchen flinches at the words, staggers a step back, then he digs his fingers into his own palms, to focus on something real and remain standing.

Of course... of course.

That - other time, in this very room. When Zichen asked him to marry him - Xingchen thought... Xingchen thought it meant - it meant that he is the most important person to Zichen.

When will I stop being so naive? He breathes in slowly, carefully. He can't weep now, staining the blindfold dark. Will I ever learn...

He must be strong.

It takes long moments before he finds enough air in his chest to manage words, and they are slow, careful. Truthful, because while he may conceal, he would not lie knowingly.

"It is a good thing to protect him and-- and take care of him. He is... still innocent. He deserves ... to be safe. To not be - taken advantage of." He means every word. His head is spinning, and it's like he's hearing a stranger say them, but he means them.

Seeing he's digging his fingers into his hands, he realized he's punishing himself and hurting himself, feeling unworthy of himself and his self-hatred. He could take the cowardly way with his tail between his legs, but he decides to take responsibly for the damage he has done.

Being brave, he managed to come closer and wraps his arms around him, and if he feels like lashing at him, then he will take it. If only.

"I know. I'm disgusting. I'm sorry, Xingchen. It's not good for you. I need to take care of you too. You deserve better. I know it's not fair for you. I will not leave you though. Never. My love for you haven't diminished. I don't have a solution for the both of you, but I won't leave you."

"There is nothing disgusting about you... A-Lan." So quiet, but without hesitation. Xingchen leans into that hold. He feels... empty, and the warmth is welcome. "You did what you needed to do. You want who you want. Is it not right to want who hasn't hurt you?"

A friend, Zichen has said. A part of Xingchen is roaring, wanting for bad things to happen to his other self, and he flinches away from it, horrified. It comes back with shouting that Zichen is his, and. Xingchen curls a little against the solid chest, all his words dissolving into a quiet, "no-no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." For what he did. For what he wished just now. For not being enough. For not being able to protect those Zichen cared about, for not being able to protect Zichen, for not being able to protect his his other self. He's sorry. He's sorry.

He simply listens to him and let him lashed out, taking his hurt. He rocks him back and forth gently, trying to shush him and calm in a gentle voice, not letting go of him. He knew what he did is wrong, but at the same time, there is no other way. They shared a past, a history together and nothing is going to change that, a bond like that cannot be broken.

"I have no excuse for what I did. I won't deny it. But you're the one that I want." He said quietly. "Always have, always been. I was weak and selfish." He only hugs him tighter, squeezing all the sadness and hurt out of him if he could for each sorry he's saying inside, not able to voice it out loud, Zichen heard it.

"I'm here with you now. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to apologize. I'm here to stay with you. Always." There's a true sincerity in his promises, even though he has broken some of it, he seeks to mend it to save their relationship.

Taking a deep breath, "I broken your trust and I'm sorry."

Xingchen shakes his head. That Zichen rescued Xngchen's younger self, that is not something that upsets him. Not the making love, either, though it makes him right now want to wrap around Zichen and not let him out of his touch ever again.

It's... something else entirely. The echo of we need not meet ever again. The knowledge that he doesn't have to ask why someone Zichen has only known for weeks matters as much to Zichen as Xingchen - he knows. And the envy is tearing him apart. Because all the reassurance in the world doesn't change the fact that Zichen wants and holds dear the other him, too. That Xingchen will never matter as uniquely above everyone as Zichen does for him. That it is right for things to be so.

"There is nothing ... that you have done wrong." Xingchen is trying to not shake, but it doesn't work as well as he wishes. "I'm - glad that you're here. This - something is happening that makes it harder for me to control ... what I feel and think. But you - you didn't do wrong to help him. Nor will it be wrong."

And trust...

He really doesn't work like this. His trust in Song Zichen is the absolute. Everything else rearranges itself according to it - and if it hurts, then the fault must be with Xingchen.

The guilt lingers. There is a long measure of silence. He holds him as long as he need to, as long as he wants him, not letting him go, rubbing his back to give him solace as he trembles and shakes, stroking his hair, and reassuring that he truly wanted him. He's doing whatever he can to comfort him.

"Let me make it up to you. Come to the bed, and I'll make you some tea for your nerves. Then we can do whatever you want. I am yours, I belong to you."

Even so, he has to heal what was broken inside, for him to process, and he hopes he does this holding him, and firmly staying with him.

Inbox: penancerp

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