stardustdaozhang | Inbox: penancerp

"Ah." Xingchen's smile lingers, and his hand moves to cup the back of Zichen's head as he nuzzles. It feels so good. It does feel nurturing and sweet and lovely, and Xingchen isn't sure he deserves it, still, but oh, it's so good. And freely given, and Xingchen has not the heart to stop it.

"Master Elcin should be in the clinic, and maiden Blue in the library, and maiden Pamela might be in the rooms, but she might not - we will need to check."

So, mostly, the coast should be clear. And yes, he is following.

After a few steps, Xingchen's mind catches up, and his eyebrows jump above the blindfold.

"Out for the day? How many presents did you bring me, Zichen?"

Old feelings of love and affection from their youth begin to spark and stir in a wonderful light, and it's growing stronger by the day if they can count days in this place. Is this what being in love feels like? Part of him wants him, desires him with every part of his being, and there's no doubt that he is his true love, his soulmate, his Fated one, the One he'll take back home, or to wherever they go once this realm decides to release them to another time, place, and eternity.

But there is one obstacle that is sitting like a weight in his chest. That he also hold back and feels much guilty for, and he must release and be truthful.

"A whole day with you. You'll soon find out, but first. We need to talk and it's important." He's going to lead back to the hotel, through the lobby, and back to his room. He just needs to set the mood, but part of him feels it's going to be ruined as well.

Once they're in Xingchen's room, empty of roommates, door locked for privacy and suddenly his heart grew heavy with guilt and sin if one could call it.

"Xingchen I need to confess something to you. It's your other Self, your twin. Have you seen him? He's the version from Xue Yang's world."

This starts well, but by the time the door is locked, the only comforting part of this is that the door is locked - there is something ominous about Zichen, and the locked door means he doesn't intend to leave. So Xingchen doesn't know what to expect. Only that it is getting Zichen ... worried? Uncomfortable? Something that is not good.

When the words do come, he tilts his head. "I have not seen him, but we did meet, when he first arrived. I tried to let him know a little bit what to expect, about the hotel and this place overall. It can be confusing enough, I am sure, with all the senses intact."

"Ah, right...of course. Matter of expression. I'm sorry..." He mumbled, realizing that his dearest friend and lover, hopefully if the latter will remain after this, is blind. "So you two had met formally.

"Please sit." He gently nudges him and guides him to sit on his bed, where they once they sit and he faces him, trying to collect his thoughts, feeling a little nervous as he starts to confess, hands tremble, and feeling guilt, eyes downcast as he clutches his long sleeves.

"It happened about over a week ago when we met. I found him wandering blindly into the club. You know, the one where people go to...fool around behind close doors or be punished in such a shameless way." He thickly swallows. "He was badly poisoned. Not as bad as I am, but..."

He was flushing now, but more so from his own shame and embarrassment. "I was able to help him neutralized the poisons. For me, it started to wane once I'm away from it. But during that time, the poison made me want to desire him as much as I want to desire you. Nothing happened between us and it took us a while to come to our senses."

It is a matter of expression, but also... Xingchen murmurs, oh so softly, "does he look a lot like me?"

But then he shakes his head. It doesn't matter, does it? The pang of pain, the ice cold water down his spine - that this less broken version of him, that the version of him who hasn't dealt the final blow to Zichen, will be a better choice - it doesn't matter.

That Zichen is upset? That does matter.

Xingchen reaches to place a hand over Zichen's sleeve. massaging gently the tense muscle beneath it.

"I believe... that what the poison wanted you to do, you did not do. But if 'nothing' happened, then you wouldn't be upset by it.

"Please do not be. Whatever... whatever else may be, I do not own you. Your choices on what to do and what not do, I will not try to make them for you. I will not try to take them from you." Xingchen has not controlled the fierce corpse that Zichen became after Xingchen took his life, but those choices were still taken away from him.

"Whatever you did, it was yours to do. I will not think less of you for it."

He means every word.

And at the same time, some of them grate, almost hurt. Xingchen does not understand it, himself, so he pushes it down. This is about Zichen. He will do everything write by Zichen, this time.

"Does he look like you? Yes, yes he does. He has long black hair, wears a blind fold around his head, he's soft spoken, and he wears all white robes. And he's gentle, very gentle." Not mention fair skin, tall, and has an aura like the soft glow and beauty of the moon.

Zichen looks at his gesture when he blindly reaches out to him, listening to him, and his tension eases up a bit. While he felt relieved he told him the truth. He fears punishment, but hearing his words, it also pains him too.

"It still not fair to you. That this place makes us feel what we shouldn't. And for what I feel for you, and what I feel for him is...quite different and not the same. The guilt, the sacrifice you made for me, it's only for me. You made the sacrifice for me, and because of that, that's how we're connected, and I felt that in my soul.."

He can feel his frustration to his words. This time, he must ingrained into him that his words, feelings, and choices does matter to him.

Speaking truthfully, "I am worried for him as a friend. I don't trust Xue Yang at times to be entrusted with him or you when things in this place gets very dark. Even though he is your twin in a sense, he haven't suffered what you gone through. It won't be fair, because I wonder if whatever happen to him will also happen to you if there's a connection."

He thins his lips, chewing slightly, remembering the phantom pain of his jaw and how much bleed. "I don't have a solution to protect him other than to make sure he doesn't break from the stress of this place if he desperately needs hope and light. I don't want him to feel cut off because to me, Xue Yang isn't any of those."

Then more softly, sadness, "When I was Xue Yang's puppet, he wouldn't let me near your coffin. I stood by and he tormented me like a ragdoll for years. It was the worst suffering in the world that I wasn't able to do anything. I was sitting by your side like a zombie and I want nothing more than to make him feel the same, if not ten times more for his sins."

He closes his eyes and then, reaching over, he pulls him into an embrace to place his chin on his shoulder. "But I don't care about that. What I do care about is you and...him and how this place will hurt us all against our will. So...in the future, if I do anything to make you hate me, then you don't have to forgive me, but I promise you if I do anything displeasing, then I will tell always you the truth. I swear it."

"Zichen..." Xingchen's arms wrap around the man embracing him, and he settles in that hold, hugging back tightly in turn. "I could never hate you. I would never hate you."

That much, he knows.

"It is you hating me that I fear. You lost your home, those you loved, because of me. Then you lost your tongue because of me, and your life, by my hand. And even after that, you could not find peace, tortured with me. Where does it end... how do I even begin to make up for it all?"

He breathes in, shakily, but then he takes another breath, trying to calm own, and nods. "I would never consider hiding or lying either. I would want to hear the truth, too.

"And - I worry as well for him. The other me. I know how knowing things shattered me. I know it may shatter him, too. Even worse at Xue Yang's hands, but... Knowing that you, a you, don't hate him - that will give him strength. And we can protect him and take care of him together, no? You need not carry any of it on your own, we can carry it together. As we... as we once meant to."

A sect of their own, they dreamed. Based on people holding the same beliefs, not blood. Carrying a corner of the world that nobody seemed to care about on their shoulders. Side by side.

Within the embrace, he sighs in relief at his assurance and his faith in him, a slow, long painful ebb of pain left his body as he felt a weight was lifted out of his chest as long Xingchen understands his intentions first and foremost.

"I don't hate you Xingchen. I was wrong to send you away. I was fearful and terrified. It was in a fit of grief. I understood why you sacrifice yourself for me. Because you wanted to save me and you truly cared about me. I felt it's a debt I could never repay."

He buried his face on his shoulder, between his neck, and cries in tears, listening to every word he said. "Mn. You...oh Xingchen. Everything went wrong because Xue Yang used you."

He was broken up and then when he is finally coherent, drying his tears a little. "You have nothing to make up for. You were tortured and I hated him for that. He has to pay and make up for his own sins, but you will not be held responsible for his or mine, all right?"

Slowing down, his honesty raw, "I'm glad. We can save him too. If he suffered the same fate you did, then I will save both of you. You don't deserve to be in the dark. Neither of you. Because if you suffer, he suffers, then I'll suffer the same."

He squeezes him in his embrace tightly, "I love you, Xingchen very much."

A pause, a beat, just a long moment to soak in the embrace, feeling his figure and frame, inhaling his scent, and then trying to lighten the heavy mood.

"Ah, your gift. I have it for you."

Zichen's crying shreds at Xingchen until all he can focus on holding his soulmate, his most amazing friend, and holding back his own tears, for he knows those would be more an alarm than anything else. They would make Zichen feel worse and, no, Xingchen does not want that. So he holds on, and regulates his breathing, and caresses down Zichen's hair soothingly.

He can't even find the words to pour out what he feels. Xue Yang used him, because Xingchen allowed him to. Because he did not question, because he didn't protect himself - he didn't protect them. Again.

And it was still his sword which went through Zichen's chest. Not Xue Yang's. Not even ... the other Xingchen's. Ah, he can understand very well if Zichen finds it easier, softer, to be around the other him. It's not him who killed Zichen. And - he has not even done it yet. And Xingchen wants the softest, sweetest only for Zichen, because Zichen has suffered enough, more than enough.

"I love you so," he whispers in the end, and doesn't let go, not yet. "The gift... just a little longer, please?"

This is hell. They are dead. They are each day in danger of pain and torture, of nightmares come to life, of causing pain to each other, or worse. And yet, like this, held by Zichen and holding him... Xiao Xingchen is happy.

He lets Xingchen holds him as much as he wants, as much as he needs to, spoiling him with the affection that goes unsaid and unexpressed for many years. Xue Yang could no longer hurt them now, their bond becomes stronger. He holds him, nuzzles, and snuggles with him, and plant as much kisses as he wants, freely without restraint.

Hearing those words, he felt he set himself free from the torment and pain. It's a small step, but it's more than enough and more than he could ever dreamed and hoped for. This happiness can be everlasting if they could work together, paid their debts, and keep their promise to achieve Nirvana. He believe this.

"Let's put the past behind us and move forward. Someday, we'll be free..."

A few moments longer. "This gift is important Xingchen." He already obtained several, from the outfits and plushie toy, the white ferret doll sitting closely by, but he saves the best for last as a surprise, for the last gift has a great purpose.

He reaches inside of coat pocket and unwraps it. Xingchen can hear a soft sound of crinkly wrapped paper of being unwrapped. It's a tiny gift, but it means a lot.

He feels a flutter of nervousness in his chest. "Xingchen, what I have here is a gold ring. This isn't the ideal place, but if we're going to be here for a while and hopefully not forever...but will you marry me?"

"Any gift from you is important, Zichen." Xingchen doesn't hesitate to claim, then tilts his head in soft curiosity as Zichen tells him what the gift is, 'gold ring' having no significance to him beyond something far more expensive than he needs or can appreciate - he knows that gold is considered beautiful, but, well.

Zichen is the one who can see it.

Then the words follow and he freezes, tense all over again where the warmth of the embraces had just managed to ease him.

"Zichen..."

On the other hand, he can't find it in himself to ask why him. Xingchen himself knows that there could be nobody else, not that he'd even dared dream of marriage, even before.

On the other hand...

Before Heaven and Earth... Before their ancestors. Before each other.

Xingchen was the reason of the slaughter of the people Zichen considered ancestors. His was the hand that ended his dear life...

Zichen just asked that they leave the past behind, but - what was a marriage if not a union of the history, of the past, to make the future possible?

"Zichen, are you certain?"

At least his voice doesn't waver. There is no disbelief in it, either, merely...

Would he not condemn them both, if they should tie their fates together like this!

But even this is nothing like rejection. His voice is filled with wonder, his hands settle on the outside of Zichen's arms, not daring to reach for what he is offered, but not letting go either.

"It is what you want?"

If only Heaven and their ancestors can hear their plea and prayers to free them from this realm, but then by divine decision, they are to remain until their debts of sin is paid off. It's a heavy reminder that their souls are bounded to their contract until the lord of the realm decides to release them.

"Xingchen…" He murmured back. For him, it doesn't have to be a dream. He gives a voice to his wishes. It can be real. Speaking from the heart, knowing he is offering his hand, a choice, and he knows he can lead a way out. "Yes, this is what I want. Even if this place isn't ideal, we can get married as much as we want. Once we get out of here, we'll marry elsewhere too. Again and again."

At the moment, he isn't thinking about their sins. "I'm certain this is what I want. A bond in marriage and our souls together. We have to work hard, even during hard times. And taking care of each other when we get sick and old." Though he wasn't sure if growing old here is a possibility if their stay here maybe eternal or for how long they cultivate their golden cores. The feeling, the idea, the vision, he hoping is mutual. "I know the future isn't fixed in stone, but we can adapt. I want to love you with my everything."

A pause, and then, "You don't have to accept my proposal right away if I'm being too forward. Take your time as much as you want. But it would please me to call you my husband. So, you don't have to give me your answer." Despite everything, he'll accept rejection.

"Zichen." Xingchen's voice is soft, but insistent. "You are not being too forward, and the question is not unwelcome. It is - sudden, but not because I don't want to. It..."

Deep breath.

"I don't want to hurt you again. The other me, he was here before and then gone, and doesn't remember anything of this place." Just like Zichen was. "If we are tied together like this, how hard will that hurt you? If we are tied like this and you have to witness me being hurt, if you have to hold the knife yourself, how hard will that be on you?"

Xingchen reaches up to cup Zichen's cheek.

"Dear, dear Zichen. If I hesitate, it's because of not wanting you to be in pain, not because if not wanting you. But... None can tell what will hurt you most better than you can. So I am here, Zichen. In your arms up next to you. I am here."

"You're not hurting me." But then he realized how formal they are, so he decides to call him by his nickname. "A-Chen, it's going to be very hard, but I have to accept it and what we have now, I'll cherish it. And besides, all the better if we leave since freedom is our goal, is it not? And if we're gone, at least one of us, then it's being taken care off."

Also deep breath. "I don't think this place is permanent, but of course you're here and I'm not afraid. And neither should you. I will always want you. My answer is not going to change a week, a month, or years from now on."

He just going to give him a kiss and put the ring away in his pocket for safe keeping. "A-Chen, I'm going to hold you forever as my husband anyway."

Xingchen's lips part slightly and his cheeks heat up at the more familiar address. For a moment, he stammers helplessly, a hint of a flustered smile curving his lips.

Then he takes a soft breath, trying the response out for a moment, soundlessly, before he gives it voice.

"A-Lan..." It feels like he's baring his heart, here, his love open completely in the softness of his voice, the warmth. "It... I really would like... forever."

"I think that's all I need to talk about. We can talk another time when we're both ready." He puts his gift away, mentally tuck it away for safekeeping, realizing he needs to slow down and don't let disappointment and rejection get to him as he expected that, and let him feel what needs to be said as shifts his focus as he senses his needs.

Hearing his nickname is endearing, he smiles softly, though with sadness, having previously cried, and still heavy with grief. Realizing he might like, he continues.

"I haven't heard my name in ages, A-Chen. When you said it, it's soft like a bird singing." And he realized how bare his heart is, and he could see his name written in.

"I like forever too with you." He's going to hold, rubbing his back, stroking through his hair, touching him soothingly. Even being mysophobic, there's something soothing in touching and holding.

"Shall I keep talking to you? I can talk anything. It's nice talking again. Maybe recite a poem or talk about art?"

Ah, except what Xingchen did, at least meant to do, is accept the proposal by agreeing to forever. The last thing he means is a rejection, or even stringing him along.

Xingchen is a gentle person with a firm heart, he would not be willingly cruel. And to this person least of all.

So he doesn't realize there is sadness in the smile he can't see, but the words are a reminder that they have been apart for a long time still, that they have grown apart from the rapport they used to have, half a word enough for the other to understand. His only uncertainty was whether it was the right thing for A-Lan, but that was answered, and at length.

"A-Lan. I did promise forever." His hand caresses the cheek he was touching. "There are things I'm still learning, things that we both will work on, but the my answer will not become less favorable. I know I want you, all the ways and for always." He just maybe has not gotten far enough to consider what some of those ways are, not because he would dislike or disapprove of them but because they never seemed an option, before.

The smile is still tentative, but it does return with a gentle tease. "What happened to a whole day with me, hmm?" But then, to sootte even that as he curls in closer. "Anything. About you, too, if you want. It... it has been a long time since we wandered together. But we will again, some day." It's hesitant, the last part, but while he still doesn't trust himself enough to hope, he cannot doubt Song Lan.

As his answer, he slowly wraps his arms around his mid-section, and feeling tired, he gently nudges him to lay with him on the bed.

"You have a whole day and night with me and we can do whatever we want. As for about me, I just want you for tonight."

He's not going anywhere, finding him soft in his arms, and the bed comfortable too.

Xingchen does not hesitate to melt into his arms. It has been so long since he has allowed himself to dream of moments like this. It doesn't take more than three or four steady heartbeats beneath his ear that he makes a small noise.

Because there is no other peaceful existence other than when he can hear this, all over again.

Xingchen turns his head and cautiously, lightly brushes his teeth against the skin on the side of A-Lan's throat. An experiment, to try to gauge if it is acceptable or too much. The scent of this man's warm skin soaks into him, and it is - perfect.

"It - you'll stay? Tonight?" It has been a long time since he has known hope, but this, now - his voice can't help echoing a shard of it.

Song Lan breath hitches in his throat, drawing out a low moan, as the sound of his voice and the mere touch of his beloved set a fire in his veins. His arm around his beloved tightens. While he has an aversion to touch, there can be no other than Xingchen that he allowed to touch him. He has been exposed to the aphrodisiacs in this place that stroke his many desires left unsaid and he has resisted it, but he couldn't fight it any longer, not with his feelings for him.

"I'm staying. All night." And he wouldn't care if his roommates would walk in. Hopefully, for a few hours, he can be with him.

"Only if you want me and need me." He could accept this, his clothes becoming tighter. But only if Xingchen consent and is interested. "I can come back later tomorrow night." After all, they don't share the same room.

Xingchen stills at the sound Zichen makes, but it is not accompanied by a flinch away, so he returns his lips there, a rush of I made him feel good threatening to take his breath away.

"I want you. I need you, A-Lan." He breathes in the warm scent of him. Back then, leaving was the hardest thing Xingchen had ever done. Harder than breaking his oath to his Master. Harder than gouging his eyes out to give them. But it's what Zichen had wanted then. What he had needed. What he had asked of him. So Xingchen did it. "I love you."

His lips shift a little, closer to the pulse. "What is it that you want? That you need?"

That was then. This is now.

And if the roommates walk in, they would be going to their own rooms. Xingchen might be the smallest, but it is still separate enough.

Edited 2020-12-13 10:03 (UTC)

It's endearing and sweet to hear such words from him and his nickname. His clothes suddenly feel tight and he wants to be free.

"I love you too..." He murmured. He pressed his body close wanting more of his lips on him, his beloved's warmth, and felt a need, a heat trickle and rise and he felt shameful for wanting it. His pulse quicken.

"Um..." His voice trails off at his question, his body trembles as he felt his own need flared up and suddenly he felt warm. "It's a different need this time. It's something I felt for a while. You know how sometimes this place encourages people to have fantasies...?"

Though his mind wanted to shut-off at this, not wanting to think, to surrender to the body's needs, wanting more skin contact, and his attention from his lips, a relief. He kissed the corner of his lips as he wraps his arms around him. "I want you, I need you..." He whined, wanting to beg as he squeezes his legs together as he is terribly shy for asking. "Make love and without clothes...?"

It takes ... a moment for Xingchen to finally realize, and then his eyebrows fly up, and he turns his face the rest of the way to meek that kiss with one of his own, thoughtfully humming.

Baoshan Sanren's path of cultivation is not, in fact, one of celibacy. Cangse Sanren's path beyond the mountain is demonstration enough for that; also, while some of the disciples are children that Master has brought to the mountain, some are those born of couples who met and married there. Even though Xingchen was only seventeen when he left, he has some idea about these things. In fact, in ways that aren't branded as 'shameful' as he has discovered most people consider them. Dual cultivation is a technique to enhance the golden core, after all.

But then he met Zichen, and he knew that, with the man's dislike for touch, the more involved interactions like making love were probably out of the question. And he knew that he didn't want anyone else... So he more or less put that away from his mind. But this is - a different life for them both. A different realm, too, but mostly, the pain of separation changes things.

Still. Xingchen's fingers come up to caress, feel the beloved features after the kiss.

"It... all the way? We can - try things out that will satisfy the need."

But also, they are not teenagers, he reminds himself. Either of them could disappear at any moment without warning. The exploration, getting to know each other's bodies that people explained to him back then - he would like that, but it doesn't have to be like that.

"Or we can try everything, though I do not think I am prepared for that." Oil. Ointment. Something to ease the burn of friction, as he was explained long ago. "But whatever you need... I'm here." His lips return to the column of Zichen's throat, and nuzzle lightly lower than the edge of the collar of his robes, a lingering kiss. "All of me, A-Lan."

Each kiss and caresses make him hum with pleasure, shivering from the touches. While he has an aversion to touch, it's Xingchen. His voice, his touch, his lips spark a slow fire in his body, and it feels intimate when it's him.

Closer, warmer, drawing forth the lost, lonely part of him where has been searching for him through the provinces to reconcile with him for many seasons. To reconnect his desire and love in his mind and heart with his body.

"I would like all the way and try most things. But I do like you touching me." He finds his confidence sexy too. Much of his serious and stoic melts away to discover his playful aspect, undiscovered, warm, and not cold. His guard is also lower, his voice soft and sweeter.

"Not prepared? We can try again...tomorrow night." He suggested. At the moment, he loosens up his sash and his layer of robes and slowly removes them, falling into a pile on the floor. He takes his wrists to guide his hands to roam over his body. Song Lan's skin is warm and soft to the touch, opening himself up to allow him to explore.

"Your hands are cool, but keep touching me and kissing me." He arches his neck when he kisses over his collar and his moans continue, almost begging to keep going.

"Mm." Xingchen hums in agreement. "I will find something suitable for tomorrow night. Now will you let me - see all of you? With my fingers?"

He lets the touches be led as Zichen likes, but then his mouth curls up slightly.

"With my lips?"

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cw: mention of eye gore

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