stardustdaozhang | Inbox: penancerp

"Zichen." Xingchen's voice is soft, but insistent. "You are not being too forward, and the question is not unwelcome. It is - sudden, but not because I don't want to. It..."

Deep breath.

"I don't want to hurt you again. The other me, he was here before and then gone, and doesn't remember anything of this place." Just like Zichen was. "If we are tied together like this, how hard will that hurt you? If we are tied like this and you have to witness me being hurt, if you have to hold the knife yourself, how hard will that be on you?"

Xingchen reaches up to cup Zichen's cheek.

"Dear, dear Zichen. If I hesitate, it's because of not wanting you to be in pain, not because if not wanting you. But... None can tell what will hurt you most better than you can. So I am here, Zichen. In your arms up next to you. I am here."

"You're not hurting me." But then he realized how formal they are, so he decides to call him by his nickname. "A-Chen, it's going to be very hard, but I have to accept it and what we have now, I'll cherish it. And besides, all the better if we leave since freedom is our goal, is it not? And if we're gone, at least one of us, then it's being taken care off."

Also deep breath. "I don't think this place is permanent, but of course you're here and I'm not afraid. And neither should you. I will always want you. My answer is not going to change a week, a month, or years from now on."

He just going to give him a kiss and put the ring away in his pocket for safe keeping. "A-Chen, I'm going to hold you forever as my husband anyway."

Xingchen's lips part slightly and his cheeks heat up at the more familiar address. For a moment, he stammers helplessly, a hint of a flustered smile curving his lips.

Then he takes a soft breath, trying the response out for a moment, soundlessly, before he gives it voice.

"A-Lan..." It feels like he's baring his heart, here, his love open completely in the softness of his voice, the warmth. "It... I really would like... forever."

"I think that's all I need to talk about. We can talk another time when we're both ready." He puts his gift away, mentally tuck it away for safekeeping, realizing he needs to slow down and don't let disappointment and rejection get to him as he expected that, and let him feel what needs to be said as shifts his focus as he senses his needs.

Hearing his nickname is endearing, he smiles softly, though with sadness, having previously cried, and still heavy with grief. Realizing he might like, he continues.

"I haven't heard my name in ages, A-Chen. When you said it, it's soft like a bird singing." And he realized how bare his heart is, and he could see his name written in.

"I like forever too with you." He's going to hold, rubbing his back, stroking through his hair, touching him soothingly. Even being mysophobic, there's something soothing in touching and holding.

"Shall I keep talking to you? I can talk anything. It's nice talking again. Maybe recite a poem or talk about art?"

Ah, except what Xingchen did, at least meant to do, is accept the proposal by agreeing to forever. The last thing he means is a rejection, or even stringing him along.

Xingchen is a gentle person with a firm heart, he would not be willingly cruel. And to this person least of all.

So he doesn't realize there is sadness in the smile he can't see, but the words are a reminder that they have been apart for a long time still, that they have grown apart from the rapport they used to have, half a word enough for the other to understand. His only uncertainty was whether it was the right thing for A-Lan, but that was answered, and at length.

"A-Lan. I did promise forever." His hand caresses the cheek he was touching. "There are things I'm still learning, things that we both will work on, but the my answer will not become less favorable. I know I want you, all the ways and for always." He just maybe has not gotten far enough to consider what some of those ways are, not because he would dislike or disapprove of them but because they never seemed an option, before.

The smile is still tentative, but it does return with a gentle tease. "What happened to a whole day with me, hmm?" But then, to sootte even that as he curls in closer. "Anything. About you, too, if you want. It... it has been a long time since we wandered together. But we will again, some day." It's hesitant, the last part, but while he still doesn't trust himself enough to hope, he cannot doubt Song Lan.

As his answer, he slowly wraps his arms around his mid-section, and feeling tired, he gently nudges him to lay with him on the bed.

"You have a whole day and night with me and we can do whatever we want. As for about me, I just want you for tonight."

He's not going anywhere, finding him soft in his arms, and the bed comfortable too.

Xingchen does not hesitate to melt into his arms. It has been so long since he has allowed himself to dream of moments like this. It doesn't take more than three or four steady heartbeats beneath his ear that he makes a small noise.

Because there is no other peaceful existence other than when he can hear this, all over again.

Xingchen turns his head and cautiously, lightly brushes his teeth against the skin on the side of A-Lan's throat. An experiment, to try to gauge if it is acceptable or too much. The scent of this man's warm skin soaks into him, and it is - perfect.

"It - you'll stay? Tonight?" It has been a long time since he has known hope, but this, now - his voice can't help echoing a shard of it.

Song Lan breath hitches in his throat, drawing out a low moan, as the sound of his voice and the mere touch of his beloved set a fire in his veins. His arm around his beloved tightens. While he has an aversion to touch, there can be no other than Xingchen that he allowed to touch him. He has been exposed to the aphrodisiacs in this place that stroke his many desires left unsaid and he has resisted it, but he couldn't fight it any longer, not with his feelings for him.

"I'm staying. All night." And he wouldn't care if his roommates would walk in. Hopefully, for a few hours, he can be with him.

"Only if you want me and need me." He could accept this, his clothes becoming tighter. But only if Xingchen consent and is interested. "I can come back later tomorrow night." After all, they don't share the same room.

Xingchen stills at the sound Zichen makes, but it is not accompanied by a flinch away, so he returns his lips there, a rush of I made him feel good threatening to take his breath away.

"I want you. I need you, A-Lan." He breathes in the warm scent of him. Back then, leaving was the hardest thing Xingchen had ever done. Harder than breaking his oath to his Master. Harder than gouging his eyes out to give them. But it's what Zichen had wanted then. What he had needed. What he had asked of him. So Xingchen did it. "I love you."

His lips shift a little, closer to the pulse. "What is it that you want? That you need?"

That was then. This is now.

And if the roommates walk in, they would be going to their own rooms. Xingchen might be the smallest, but it is still separate enough.

Edited 2020-12-13 10:03 (UTC)

It's endearing and sweet to hear such words from him and his nickname. His clothes suddenly feel tight and he wants to be free.

"I love you too..." He murmured. He pressed his body close wanting more of his lips on him, his beloved's warmth, and felt a need, a heat trickle and rise and he felt shameful for wanting it. His pulse quicken.

"Um..." His voice trails off at his question, his body trembles as he felt his own need flared up and suddenly he felt warm. "It's a different need this time. It's something I felt for a while. You know how sometimes this place encourages people to have fantasies...?"

Though his mind wanted to shut-off at this, not wanting to think, to surrender to the body's needs, wanting more skin contact, and his attention from his lips, a relief. He kissed the corner of his lips as he wraps his arms around him. "I want you, I need you..." He whined, wanting to beg as he squeezes his legs together as he is terribly shy for asking. "Make love and without clothes...?"

It takes ... a moment for Xingchen to finally realize, and then his eyebrows fly up, and he turns his face the rest of the way to meek that kiss with one of his own, thoughtfully humming.

Baoshan Sanren's path of cultivation is not, in fact, one of celibacy. Cangse Sanren's path beyond the mountain is demonstration enough for that; also, while some of the disciples are children that Master has brought to the mountain, some are those born of couples who met and married there. Even though Xingchen was only seventeen when he left, he has some idea about these things. In fact, in ways that aren't branded as 'shameful' as he has discovered most people consider them. Dual cultivation is a technique to enhance the golden core, after all.

But then he met Zichen, and he knew that, with the man's dislike for touch, the more involved interactions like making love were probably out of the question. And he knew that he didn't want anyone else... So he more or less put that away from his mind. But this is - a different life for them both. A different realm, too, but mostly, the pain of separation changes things.

Still. Xingchen's fingers come up to caress, feel the beloved features after the kiss.

"It... all the way? We can - try things out that will satisfy the need."

But also, they are not teenagers, he reminds himself. Either of them could disappear at any moment without warning. The exploration, getting to know each other's bodies that people explained to him back then - he would like that, but it doesn't have to be like that.

"Or we can try everything, though I do not think I am prepared for that." Oil. Ointment. Something to ease the burn of friction, as he was explained long ago. "But whatever you need... I'm here." His lips return to the column of Zichen's throat, and nuzzle lightly lower than the edge of the collar of his robes, a lingering kiss. "All of me, A-Lan."

Each kiss and caresses make him hum with pleasure, shivering from the touches. While he has an aversion to touch, it's Xingchen. His voice, his touch, his lips spark a slow fire in his body, and it feels intimate when it's him.

Closer, warmer, drawing forth the lost, lonely part of him where has been searching for him through the provinces to reconcile with him for many seasons. To reconnect his desire and love in his mind and heart with his body.

"I would like all the way and try most things. But I do like you touching me." He finds his confidence sexy too. Much of his serious and stoic melts away to discover his playful aspect, undiscovered, warm, and not cold. His guard is also lower, his voice soft and sweeter.

"Not prepared? We can try again...tomorrow night." He suggested. At the moment, he loosens up his sash and his layer of robes and slowly removes them, falling into a pile on the floor. He takes his wrists to guide his hands to roam over his body. Song Lan's skin is warm and soft to the touch, opening himself up to allow him to explore.

"Your hands are cool, but keep touching me and kissing me." He arches his neck when he kisses over his collar and his moans continue, almost begging to keep going.

"Mm." Xingchen hums in agreement. "I will find something suitable for tomorrow night. Now will you let me - see all of you? With my fingers?"

He lets the touches be led as Zichen likes, but then his mouth curls up slightly.

"With my lips?"

That sounds like a promise to him, so that makes him more eager. "You like teasing me? Then yes...with your mouths and your lips." His breathes are uneven, ragged, as he teases more moans from him. Each touch and kiss sparks electricity, ripping through his body.

To prove it, he presses his body close to him, and he's going to feel a very hot fleshy organ poking at him, like a bulging object, that is him, twitching and throbbing. "Can you feel that? You're teasing me. And I trust you to touch me here."

He is so flushed and embarrassed in asking him.

"Does it count as teasing if I truly do want to know?" The latter part only gets a smirk, though. That he will tease him with, if only a little. "But I will not betray that trust. I..." He hesitates, but also adds truthfully, "I want to hear what you sound like when it cannot take any more and explodes, A-Lan. To feel how your body will tense, and how good it will be for you." Hands smoothing over Zichen's chest and shoulders, he leans to whisper in his ear. "I want to smell and taste when it does. Imprinting all of these in my memory."

As a matter of fact, he might like teasing Zichen a little. He's finding out.

"It counts. Then you'll hear it if that pleases you." There's a deep groan, almost a growl in the back of his throat. More than anything, he wanted to grind against him, to get the feel of him, "I badly want you. I wanted you for years." He whines.

"That's good..." He writhes against him, grinding slowly, wanting any semblance of friction, his body tense the more he touches him, but denying him the pleasure that he seeks. "A-chen, please. I want that. I want everything."

"Everything," he murmurs in return, and claims another kiss as his fingers slide further down, around the erect member and between Zichen's thighs, caressing the inside of one all the way to the knee and back. When the kiss breaks, he starts kissing down over the broad chest, lingering close to but not quite over a nipple, the hand moving up and down the inside of the other thigh.

And then he shifts, kissing down along Zichen's abs, and carefully gauges where the tip of the erection is so he can run the edge of his jaw over it. Then he stills, the tip of his chin holding the shaft upright.

"I think it may be best if some of the exploration waits until another time. I think I may linger here for a little while."

The scent is heady, truly. And he wants to taste, so he runs his tongue along the heated length. So warm against his lips and tongue. Up again, and then he wraps his lips around the tip to taste properly, the tip of his tongue circling the head. Slow, but. There should be pressure and heat now.

Before Zichen knew it, his body begins to slowly react and obey as he explores him, mapping out his body with his fingers and his lips. His strong body lean and well-muscled from training and his cultivation practice. He tenses beneath his touch, his eyes started to glass over, a jolt of pleasure begin to spark and dance like electricity.

"A-ah..." His legs spread wider in response. What's happening? He only knew this is what he wants just from him, and only Xingchen can give this pleasure to him, lost in his voice and his touches, ghosting around his nipples, also becoming hard. "Ah!" The sound he makes, he's vocal whenever Xingchen touches him and teases.

"Xingchen, what...?" He shifts to get comfort, then spread his legs wider in reaction, squirming as he touches his thighs and he shivers. "O-oh. Are you sure? You don't have to." But he admires him all the more if he does.

"I'm not going anywhere Xingchen..." He said, and he groans in response when he holds the most sensitive part of his body. He's hard, with a thin sheen of precum, and there's a masculine scent. "Xingchen, guess you found me..." He said, voice soft, low, and sweet, panting. "It's not too late to stop now, but you caught me."

Xingchen gives another swirl of his tongue, then raises his face to tuck his nose into the fold of Zichen's thigh, he just needs his mouth for a moment. One hand stays wrapped around Zichen's erection because, well, he knows it is not the best to just have no stimulation after. Having had some.

"I am - not sure what all I am doing. I was somewhat young so people didn't directly talk to me about this kind of thing, but I've heard and read a few things. If - something doesn't feel good, tell me? Or if you need something else. Or even that I stop. All right?"

Zichen trembles again for each time Xingchen, his dear Xingchen gives him the attention he needs, with each flick of his tongue, the shape of his lips on places he discovers that sends him an electric thrill.

"You heard and read?" With a soft laugh. "Xingchen, I wonder what kind of books you read and what did you learn? You don't seem to be the type to study this sort of thing. But all right, it does feels good and if you keep going...I'll warn you if I'm coming close and you can stop there if you don't want that."

"Dual cultivation is a valid cultivation technique. It was hardly the focus of my studies, not by a long stretch, but it wasn't excluded, either. So if you... wish, we can cultivate while we do this, too. Back and forth, you send me some spiritual energy, and I send it back to you..."

And with the confirmation that he will be allowed to know if something isn't as good as seems it will be, in his mind, Xingchen shifts again, wrapping his lips around the tip of Zichen's erection, and then slowly starts taking in more of it.

It doesn't take long to figure out where the difficulty in this is, and Xingchen raises his head up, moving up and down with his eyebrows scrunched up slightly while he considers how to relax his throat to take him in deeper. And yes, if Zichen is passing spiritual energy, Xingchen is passing it back, higher and higher. He knows it might be a lot, but - he wants Zichen to be stronger. And to feel better.

"Xingchen, I know of dual cultivation..." Zichen's body is warm and flushed with heat. "Though the master never spoke of it. A-ah...~" His moans are breathy, unable to focus as the pleasure raises his spiritual energy, letting Xingchen taste him and tease him. His fingers claws to clutch the sheets as he watches his cock disappear and melts into his mouth, his body quivering as he tries not to come from the wet heat of his mouth.

"I would like that...ah~ Being your cultivation partner. Back and forth, sharing spiritual energy..." He said, voice dreamy, wistful, feeling a surge of endless love for this man that was there before, that was frozen over with grief, and then thawed over and sparked with life by the love that he has given him, a love that he doesn't feel he deserved.

There's so much desire he has for him, wanting to nurture him, spending the rest of his life forver with him, loving him without any restraint, and undo the damage that his own harsh misgivings and bitterness he had done to him. His heart is filled with love for him, and wanting to forget the pain of the years when they drifted, the pain he caused him, and feels deep regret for everything.

"X-Xingchen..." he started to tremble, feeling his climax coming closer as he watches his head bobbed up and down on his length. His cock harden as he felt his throat relax and adjust to his size. The waves of their spiritual energy shared with the pleasure. "Ah, Xingchen, if you keep going, I'm coming close." He warns as he felt he's coming to erupt soon. Not only he feels better, but it feels good and he likes this quite a lot, and he hopes the pleasure never ends.

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cw: mention of eye gore

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